Butt Smooshing Affects 1 in 3

OK, maybe that’s not an accurate statistic. Or a real physical ailment. But it is a reality for Chester. It’s like he’s trotting along, minding his own burrito business, contemplating if his likeness would make a good Beanie Babie, and then suddenly:  buttsmooshing

He can feel his butt smooshing. It smooshes, people.

Sometimes Chester will feel his derriere try to give him a pat on the back, and the sensation will immediately remind him of the ultimate floatation device, The Blob, as depicted in the greatest film of all time, Heavyweights.

theblob

The Smooshing Affect, as it is scientifically known, (these are real facts, people – REAL), is reminiscent of a candy-packing adolescent flying majestically off of the massive blow up balloon and into a tranquil lake.

candy

No, he means The Blob. But anyways, don’t get Chester wrong, he’s

bass

But sometimes, the smooshing makes him wonder about the good feels. And we know Chester is all about the good feels. So today he will walk a little longer. Because a little less smooshing will go nicely with the hors d’oeuvres he’s planning to serve later.

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Super Bowl/Katy Perry Approved Vegetarian Crockpot Chili

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Some might think February 1st is like any other Sunday. Foolishly, on this day you might be planning to putter away with your antique needlepoint. Practice for the Hacky Sack national championships. Stare at your mailbox in a lawn chair. For hours. Even though there’s no mail on Sundays, you won’t give up hope. It’s like your Great Pumpkin. He only brings mail to those who believe.

However, before you dig those chair legs too deep into the grass, remember: America’s Day of Keeping the Beer Cold & the Bathroom Window Open is February 1st. And by that, of course, we mean the Super Bowl. Or Katy Perry’s Half Time Show. However you want to look at it.

Now Chester – er – sprained something – so he won’t be playing this year. But he will be eating. And before he falls down the cheese-covered rabbit hole of rich and fatty Super Bowl snacks, he has a suggestion. Chili. It’s like someone whispered it on the wind. Chili. It’s flavorful. Slurp. It can be healthy. Slurp. It’s got spicy attitude. Slurp. And it’s easy. Gone. It’s all gone. Everyone ate it and you’re a hero, being carried around on your party guest’s shoulders. Which is strange because your Grandpa Elmo hasn’t carried anything except a beer can in years.

Why Chili is Basically the Best Idea for a Superbowl Party Meal Since Sliced Bread (actually you could serve that with it too. OK, this was a really good idea):

  1. It let’s someone else bring chips. Your guests are probably asking what they can contribute to your party and they probably can’t cook anyways (you learned this during the Great Dry Chicken Breast of ’98) so let them bring the chips and salsa. Just let them have this.
  2. It’s like the 4th of July in a pot. It’s colorful. Veggies and beans galore. And this recipe is all natural. It’s the equivalent to a streaker on the football field. Au natural and just how God intended. And it tastes super gourmet. Be that host that makes everyone totes jelly and be like goddamnit chili why didn’t I think of that now I’m ruined.
  3. It cooks BY ITSELF. Pure magic. It’s one of those chop and dump situations that you can do ahead of time (the good kind – not sure what other “chop and dump” you’re into but this is probably better.) No kitchen time required when you have a gaggle of drunk footballers congregating in your living room. And you should be one of them.

Now that we’ve established that chili is better than watching a cheerleader do Jumping Jacks in slow motion, let’s get to the important part: the secret recipe. Ready? It’s top secret. We’re only telling You and the Internet, so obviously this is really special.

1 Yellow Onion, chopped (Onion goggles look ridiculous, but those spheres of toxic death can be painful for your eyes. Just sayin.)

1 Green Bell Pepper (green is better because it’s green and looks healthier. Duh.)

2 Cloves Chopped Garlic (ZOMG GARLIC YUM. Everything is better with garlic.)

1 can of each of these things:

Tomato Sauce

Crushed Tomatoes

Diced Tomatoes

White Kidney Beans

Red Kidney Beans

Black Beans

Corn

You may have huge biceps after all this kick-butt can opening, and you will have one Super Bowl of chili. (Get it? Eh? Ouch.)

1 Tablespoon of each:

Cayenne Pepper

Onion Powder

Turmeric

Cumin

Smoked Paprika

Garlic Powder

Salt

Pepper

These other things can be added if one is inclined and would likely make it delicious:

Ground turkey or beef (Obviously not a vegetarian option unless there’s a soy cow running around somewhere.)

Chili Peppers (Not for the faint of heart, but good for the heart. Maybe bad for the underwear.)

More seasoning (More spicy? Garlicy? It’s up to you. This isn’t 1984.)

Put all into slow cooker and cook low and slow for 8 hours. Done. Celebrate.

Top with cheese, sour cream, green onion, the chips your friend brought (way to let them help – we’re proud of you) or anything else you might like but other people think is weird.

You know what? We think Katy Perry would really be into this chili. Actually we don’t know what she’s into. Probably kittens and rainbows? This could sort of be that too. The Rainbow Kitten of the Chili World. Enjoy, Katy. Enjoy.

chilifirework

Fitbeast is Friend, Not Food

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Chester thinks of himself as your friend. Really, he does. Did you know that? He thinks you have something special. He’s here for you. Like an Amazon Prime package delivered two days later on the dot. He’s like clockwork, packaged with a piece of paper that says “Enjoy your gift! It’s Chester!” He arrives to you ready for duty.

Have you thought about how great it could be? Just you and Chester out in that great big world, ready to meet your fitness goals with gusto. He’ll keep you in check as you try to remember to work out, take a walk, or reject that piece of cake your coworker keeps thrusting at you. (Chester would help deliver that perfect one liner that says they should show some respect to those cutting back on sweets and DO THEY WANT TO BE HIT IN THE FACE WITH BUTTERCREAM BECAUSE THAT WILL HAPPEN SO MOVE ON KTHXBAI).

Chester’s fitness goals aren’t complicated. You won’t find him all beefed up in some gym oozing testosterone and dusted in protein power. (Most of the equipment isn’t built for four legs, anyway.) He just wants to be healthy and feel good.

He likes the good feels.

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So simple, right? But sometimes it seems like we forget that exercise gives you good feels. As if when some wise person were to inscribe, “exercise makes you feel good” on a fortune cookie, it would be this mind-blowing experience to read. And then stomach-blowing to eat. It defies comprehension. Almost as unfathomable as why Kourtney Kardashian continues to have babies with Scott Disick. It echoes the definition of insanity.

The answer? Take a walk (queue Passion Pit chorus). Are you a little down on the pudge collecting over your jeans? Not feeling like your hot Scar-Jo self? Get outside. Move around. It’s simple, really. Exercise – even the mild, over-the-counter, minimum-sweat “is-this-really-helping-me” kind of exercise – is, indeed, helping. Chester gets it, and he wants you to get it too. Put simply, it’s better than nothing. And one step up from nothing is something. So this is the year to do something.

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