How To Assemble The Perfect Burrito

March 31, 2015 / Stephanie Cochard / Leave a comment

AKA a moment with Chester’s favorite food.

chesterheadfood

STEP 1: Tortillas

Grill it, warm it, wheat it, veg it, skip it, rename it. Whatever, just, tortillas.

STEP 2: Beans

Black, pinto, refried, all fine. But fact? Black beans are low in fat, high in fiber, and tasty. Opt for them for less smooshing.

STEP 3: Rice

Brown rice, cilantro lime rice, spicy mexican rice, all yes.

STEP 4: Meat

Chicken? Carne asada? Carnitas? Tofu? None? Good with some company or just on its own, like a vacation.

STEP 5: Salsa

When things get messy and magical. Drench in hot dream sauce.

STEP 6: Lettuce

Go away guilt, I’m having vegetables.

STEP 7: EAT

STEP 8: Steps

Take a few feet burritos.

Kitten-Clad Leg Warmers & Trying

March 24, 2015 / Stephanie Cochard / Leave a comment

We’ve all seen her. The hell-raising, determined Fitness Mom bulldozing the sidewalk with her stroller like its an extension of her uncontrollable minivan. She’s thin, of course, but toned from her regimen of cardio and lifting. She’s decked out in fabulous Lululemon workout gear. And oh yeah, she has a baby (she’s not just pushing weights in that stroller but hey, that thought might have crossed her mind). The baby is also wearing workout gear but with the addition of kitten-clad leg warmers. Adorbs.

This lady never would have dated you in high school and would never have been your friend. You’d probably have carried her books and she would have called you by the wrong name. (“It’s not Margie but that’s ok…”)

If you are exercising near this lady, she will lap you. Continually. You’ll be sweating bazookas and she won’t perspire a drop. Or if she does, it will only result in an angelic glow that she meant to have. She might lap you in other things too, like having a better job, house, attractive spouse and bright kids who will become successful and pamper her in her old age (this lady will also look 30 forever). She’ll power by you with her stroller and her baby will shake the kittens in arrogance.

Let her lap you. She’s a non-issue. Don’t be discouraged. Not by her. You are there too. Trying. And you’re lapping those standing at the burrito stand. For the win. Bazookas.

7 Overly Intense Fitness Quotes That Will Make You Nervous

March 16, 2015 / Stephanie Cochard / Leave a comment

Probably 99% of the searches returned on Pinterest for “Fitness Inspiration” are professionally edited photos of “people” (possibly descendants of Zeus) lifting massive weights or scaling a ginormous mountain with overlaid font that reads hyperbolic messages that basically tell you you’re HOLDING YOUR GLORY BACK so go BURN IT OFF, CHUBS and LOOK WHAT YOU CAN BE.

Sometimes Fitness Enthusiasts can be a little intense. Or even seem high strung and extreme (Jillian’s butt from the latest season of The Bachelor comes to mind). Some seem like they’re ready to pounce at any moment, almost as if Zombies are chasing them or they have to fight off a wolf in the woods and display their hulk-like athleticism at a moment’s notice. It’s like they think that our modern human civilization is one big army of Huns or Roman Emperors needed for battle, instead of just people wearing ties and brewing their second cup of coffee in the office breakroom and feeling too tired to do much of anything. (The only thing they’re pillaging is leftover cake.)

But this isn’t necessarily a bad thing; after all, most of these Enthusiastic Fitness People are physically healthy – so great. But that mentality isn’t for everyone. And for those who aren’t like that, it’s bewildering and terrifying to witness. And entertaining.

Don’t get us wrong, motivation is good – we’re all for it. But its time to end the Reign of Terror and burn some calories with a good ol’ barrel laugh at the expense of someone who seems like they’re training for The Most Dangerous Game.

Here are a collection of the seven best over-the-top fitness quotes from Pinterest that are intended to “inspire” others to workout and become their greatest self. Definitely not fear for their lives. Definitely not.

These are the three options? We would probably stop for an untied shoelace. Those can be deadly.

*Quietly sniffles into bag of chips*

Or the nuts.

The Battle of Black Friday? Fair enough, that can get ugly.

Tired is probably a form of “done”…so…what then?

Technically said by Maya Angelou, but she probably didn’t mean it in the context of trying to bench 150 pounds.

Oh it’s on.

Does Anyone Really Relate to This?

March 5, 2015 / Stephanie Cochard / Leave a comment

Robots live among us. And they have very, very tanned abs.

When you’re mustering up the energy to go work out, do you think of a photo like this and say, “WHOA! YES! INSPIRING! NOW I’LL GO. THAT WILL BE ME!”

Personally the only thing it inspires us to do is binge eat tater tots while irrationally cursing and contemplating how much muscle is potentially gained by squirting the last drops out of a ketchup bottle.

We’re more into this:

Because we can relate to a pudgy corgi so much better than a 10 foot tall glamazon with flawless skin and fluffed out hair whose brand rep is trying to convince us just finished an intense workout.

Is the girl with oiled abs really inspirational? Countless fitness brands and Pinterest posts seem to think so. But we happen to think that it might do the exact opposite, and initiative a defeatist attitude before you can even put on your walking shoes. And who wants that? Who is this girl? She’s not us. We don’t have thigh gaps (it’s a club and, yes, we have t-shirts: “CLOSE THE GAP”). We doubt she’s you either (unless you’re a man, and then she’s definitely not you. Probably).

It’s not about her extremely oiled, tanned abs. Repeat – this is not about bulk buying coconut oil from Costco and rubbing it onto your torso to take the most perfectly lit, glimmering magical unicorn abs shot. This is about getting out there, racking up some burrito steps, and cultivating a positive lifestyle, all before getting back to business. Or video games. Or your video game business. Point is, get in some movement and then go back to what you do for a living so you can – ahem – keep living. Mind blown.

Maybe next time you need some fitness inspiration, think of Chester doing this instead: