Food Pushers and How to Stop Them

tinafeychicken

Maybe it’s your skinny friend who pounds back Oreos like it ain’t no thang and throws the bag at you to join them.

Maybe it’s your mother when she whines, “why don’t you call more often and did you finish that box of cookies I sent you? OK I’ll send another.” (Food is love. You have to eat the cookies or face the consequences.)

Maybe it’s the coworker who insists on bringing extra enchiladas and stares wide-eyed over the cubicle with glee as they watch you begrudgingly consume them.

Point is, Food Pushers are everywhere.

Food Pusher: Someone who pressures you into eating something that you didn’t really want in the first place and you feel guilty for both eating it and for potentially turning them down. If you refuse they take offense for some reason like you’ve refused a special gift. Usually accompanied by a “come on, just eat it!” demand and a pouty face aimed to make you feel like you’re missing out and therefore ignite feelings of self pity.

These people can show up in the most uncommon of places and make life extra difficult for those of us who can’t/don’t want to throw back beers and brisket like there’s no tomorrow. Some people kind of want to have a tomorrow, you know?

So how do we deal with Food Pushers? I’ve come up with 3 options. These are solid and 100% fool proof and you should definitely try them:

1. Post a strange sign that keeps people puzzled and far away from you: 

hallucinogensalligators

They’ll get the picture.

2. Ignore them for all eternity.

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Remember that friend who always made me eat Red Vines? Yeah, me either.

3. Automatic whipped cream face smash when hearing “eat the ______!” 

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SMASH. Works every time.

Well..OK…those probably won’t work. For long anyways (except the face smash will likely ensure a quick getaway). But enough kidding around. What’s the real solution?The silver bullet that stops these Pushers in their tracks? The actual tipping point that could snap some sense into them so that they learn the error of their ways?

A talk.

Yeah – I know, talking. Ugh.

Or a well timed text. Or email. Or airplane sky writing: NO MORE FRIED CHICKEN PLZ K THX BAI WOW THIS IS A PRICY OPTION….

The only real solution is boring, but effective. The only way to get the point across to these Pushers that you simply can’t handle all the food they offer all the time is to share your health goals. Tell them what you are trying to achieve. Let them know that you have a hard time turning down their scrumptious fried chicken and thanks but your butt is smooshing enough for the time being. Remind them that you don’t want to waste food that could be offered to someone else. Tell them that you are trying to make your health a priority and are being mindful of your foods. These are not outrageous requests, and it will likely make an impact when you tell them what you are trying to achieve.

Because the people around you 100% influence your habits and lifestyle, and a big part of that includes eating.

And if that doesn’t work, repeat steps 1 – 3 until the end of time. Solid plan.

3-3

10 Things That Happen When You’ve Been Sitting For Longer Than 1 Hour

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  1. Your brain gets foggy. Fact: movement stimulates creativity and gets those neurons firing to aid mental processing. If there’s no movement, there’s no mental processing. And then there’s only mindless cat-video-watching as opposed to mentally stimulating cat-video-watching.
  2. People think you never leave your desk. This gives them the green light to constantly stop by and bother you. Especially Gladys from Accounting who loves sharing her cat’s latest demonstration of super powers. No Gladys, the pee pattern in the kitty litter box doesn’t look like Jesus and your cat isn’t a prophet. 
  3. Your back’s disks will be starved of nutrients. This weakens the disks and locks them up. And you need them to work right for walking and stuff. Poor disks.
  4. Your pants get wrinkled. You end up looking like a tattered rag used by a homeless man and then abandoned on the sidewalk. And not in a good way. Rachel Zoe is feeling apathetic about you somewhere.
  5. Your butt flattens. It will start to feel like a pancake. It will be ready for syrup and the special’s board at iHop.
  6. Your muscles become perpetually cramped. This can tighten and damage your muscles over time. You’ll end up feeling like you constantly need a massage and then you’ll spend all your money at the spa and probably end up on the street with the homeless man’s rag.
  7. Health risks increase. Just, all the things. Cardiovascular disease and diabetes, just to name a couple. Sitting pretty much helps every disease screw you over. Asshole.
  8. You embrace stalker tendencies. Maybe you need a change of scenery so you stop checking if your ex posted a new Insta every 2 seconds. Just sayin’.
  9. Explorations abandoned. What passed you by while you were just sitting there?
  10. People miss out on your backside. And you have an absolutely breathtaking heiny.

So what do we do? Move, Fitbeasts! Go forth and end sitting’s evil reign over your backside. Because that thing is nice and someone might want to be friends with it.

mahogany