Food Pushers and How to Stop Them

tinafeychicken

Maybe it’s your skinny friend who pounds back Oreos like it ain’t no thang and throws the bag at you to join them.

Maybe it’s your mother when she whines, “why don’t you call more often and did you finish that box of cookies I sent you? OK I’ll send another.” (Food is love. You have to eat the cookies or face the consequences.)

Maybe it’s the coworker who insists on bringing extra enchiladas and stares wide-eyed over the cubicle with glee as they watch you begrudgingly consume them.

Point is, Food Pushers are everywhere.

Food Pusher: Someone who pressures you into eating something that you didn’t really want in the first place and you feel guilty for both eating it and for potentially turning them down. If you refuse they take offense for some reason like you’ve refused a special gift. Usually accompanied by a “come on, just eat it!” demand and a pouty face aimed to make you feel like you’re missing out and therefore ignite feelings of self pity.

These people can show up in the most uncommon of places and make life extra difficult for those of us who can’t/don’t want to throw back beers and brisket like there’s no tomorrow. Some people kind of want to have a tomorrow, you know?

So how do we deal with Food Pushers? I’ve come up with 3 options. These are solid and 100% fool proof and you should definitely try them:

1. Post a strange sign that keeps people puzzled and far away from you: 

hallucinogensalligators

They’ll get the picture.

2. Ignore them for all eternity.

ignoredog

Remember that friend who always made me eat Red Vines? Yeah, me either.

3. Automatic whipped cream face smash when hearing “eat the ______!” 

pieface

SMASH. Works every time.

Well..OK…those probably won’t work. For long anyways (except the face smash will likely ensure a quick getaway). But enough kidding around. What’s the real solution?The silver bullet that stops these Pushers in their tracks? The actual tipping point that could snap some sense into them so that they learn the error of their ways?

A talk.

Yeah – I know, talking. Ugh.

Or a well timed text. Or email. Or airplane sky writing: NO MORE FRIED CHICKEN PLZ K THX BAI WOW THIS IS A PRICY OPTION….

The only real solution is boring, but effective. The only way to get the point across to these Pushers that you simply can’t handle all the food they offer all the time is to share your health goals. Tell them what you are trying to achieve. Let them know that you have a hard time turning down their scrumptious fried chicken and thanks but your butt is smooshing enough for the time being. Remind them that you don’t want to waste food that could be offered to someone else. Tell them that you are trying to make your health a priority and are being mindful of your foods. These are not outrageous requests, and it will likely make an impact when you tell them what you are trying to achieve.

Because the people around you 100% influence your habits and lifestyle, and a big part of that includes eating.

And if that doesn’t work, repeat steps 1 – 3 until the end of time. Solid plan.

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Happy National Burrito Day!

4-2April 2nd is National Burrito Day, and obviously this is the most exciting of all days. If all of the holidays were rolled together and set off into fireworks of carne asada and salsa explosions, the result would be today. Recognize and celebrate this mouth-watering event with a collection of stunning and majestic foodtos. That’s right, this day is so special that we combined “food” and “photos” into one word. Chills.

Pay tribute to the tortillas: 

tortillareal

 Salute the Salsa: 

salsareal

Honor the beans:

blackbeansreal

 

Respect the rice:

rice

Relish the lettuce:

shredded lettuce

May the meat be with you: 

carneasada

Is it burrito day? YES 

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How To Assemble The Perfect Burrito

AKA a moment with Chester’s favorite food.

chesterheadfood

 STEP 1: Tortillas

Grill it, warm it, wheat it, veg it, skip it, rename it. Whatever, just, tortillas.
tortillas
STEP 2: Beans
Black, pinto, refried, all fine. But fact? Black beans are low in fat, high in fiber, and tasty. Opt for them for less smooshing.
beans
STEP 3: Rice
 
Brown rice, cilantro lime rice, spicy mexican rice, all yes.
rice
STEP 4: Meat
 
Chicken? Carne asada? Carnitas? Tofu? None? Good with some company or just on its own, like a vacation.
chicken
STEP 5: Salsa
 
When things get messy and magical. Drench in hot dream sauce.
salsa
STEP 6: Lettuce
 
Go away guilt, I’m having vegetables.
lettuce
STEP 7: EAT
 
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STEP 8: Steps
 
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Super Bowl/Katy Perry Approved Vegetarian Crockpot Chili

superbowlchili

Some might think February 1st is like any other Sunday. Foolishly, on this day you might be planning to putter away with your antique needlepoint. Practice for the Hacky Sack national championships. Stare at your mailbox in a lawn chair. For hours. Even though there’s no mail on Sundays, you won’t give up hope. It’s like your Great Pumpkin. He only brings mail to those who believe.

However, before you dig those chair legs too deep into the grass, remember: America’s Day of Keeping the Beer Cold & the Bathroom Window Open is February 1st. And by that, of course, we mean the Super Bowl. Or Katy Perry’s Half Time Show. However you want to look at it.

Now Chester – er – sprained something – so he won’t be playing this year. But he will be eating. And before he falls down the cheese-covered rabbit hole of rich and fatty Super Bowl snacks, he has a suggestion. Chili. It’s like someone whispered it on the wind. Chili. It’s flavorful. Slurp. It can be healthy. Slurp. It’s got spicy attitude. Slurp. And it’s easy. Gone. It’s all gone. Everyone ate it and you’re a hero, being carried around on your party guest’s shoulders. Which is strange because your Grandpa Elmo hasn’t carried anything except a beer can in years.

Why Chili is Basically the Best Idea for a Superbowl Party Meal Since Sliced Bread (actually you could serve that with it too. OK, this was a really good idea):

  1. It let’s someone else bring chips. Your guests are probably asking what they can contribute to your party and they probably can’t cook anyways (you learned this during the Great Dry Chicken Breast of ’98) so let them bring the chips and salsa. Just let them have this.
  2. It’s like the 4th of July in a pot. It’s colorful. Veggies and beans galore. And this recipe is all natural. It’s the equivalent to a streaker on the football field. Au natural and just how God intended. And it tastes super gourmet. Be that host that makes everyone totes jelly and be like goddamnit chili why didn’t I think of that now I’m ruined.
  3. It cooks BY ITSELF. Pure magic. It’s one of those chop and dump situations that you can do ahead of time (the good kind – not sure what other “chop and dump” you’re into but this is probably better.) No kitchen time required when you have a gaggle of drunk footballers congregating in your living room. And you should be one of them.

Now that we’ve established that chili is better than watching a cheerleader do Jumping Jacks in slow motion, let’s get to the important part: the secret recipe. Ready? It’s top secret. We’re only telling You and the Internet, so obviously this is really special.

1 Yellow Onion, chopped (Onion goggles look ridiculous, but those spheres of toxic death can be painful for your eyes. Just sayin.)

1 Green Bell Pepper (green is better because it’s green and looks healthier. Duh.)

2 Cloves Chopped Garlic (ZOMG GARLIC YUM. Everything is better with garlic.)

1 can of each of these things:

Tomato Sauce

Crushed Tomatoes

Diced Tomatoes

White Kidney Beans

Red Kidney Beans

Black Beans

Corn

You may have huge biceps after all this kick-butt can opening, and you will have one Super Bowl of chili. (Get it? Eh? Ouch.)

1 Tablespoon of each:

Cayenne Pepper

Onion Powder

Turmeric

Cumin

Smoked Paprika

Garlic Powder

Salt

Pepper

These other things can be added if one is inclined and would likely make it delicious:

Ground turkey or beef (Obviously not a vegetarian option unless there’s a soy cow running around somewhere.)

Chili Peppers (Not for the faint of heart, but good for the heart. Maybe bad for the underwear.)

More seasoning (More spicy? Garlicy? It’s up to you. This isn’t 1984.)

Put all into slow cooker and cook low and slow for 8 hours. Done. Celebrate.

Top with cheese, sour cream, green onion, the chips your friend brought (way to let them help – we’re proud of you) or anything else you might like but other people think is weird.

You know what? We think Katy Perry would really be into this chili. Actually we don’t know what she’s into. Probably kittens and rainbows? This could sort of be that too. The Rainbow Kitten of the Chili World. Enjoy, Katy. Enjoy.

chilifirework