Super Bowl/Katy Perry Approved Vegetarian Crockpot Chili


Some might think February 1st is like any other Sunday. Foolishly, on this day you might be planning to putter away with your antique needlepoint. Practice for the Hacky Sack national championships. Stare at your mailbox in a lawn chair. For hours. Even though there’s no mail on Sundays, you won’t give up hope. It’s like your Great Pumpkin. He only brings mail to those who believe.

However, before you dig those chair legs too deep into the grass, remember: America’s Day of Keeping the Beer Cold & the Bathroom Window Open is February 1st. And by that, of course, we mean the Super Bowl. Or Katy Perry’s Half Time Show. However you want to look at it.

Now Chester – er – sprained something – so he won’t be playing this year. But he will be eating. And before he falls down the cheese-covered rabbit hole of rich and fatty Super Bowl snacks, he has a suggestion. Chili. It’s like someone whispered it on the wind. Chili. It’s flavorful. Slurp. It can be healthy. Slurp. It’s got spicy attitude. Slurp. And it’s easy. Gone. It’s all gone. Everyone ate it and you’re a hero, being carried around on your party guest’s shoulders. Which is strange because your Grandpa Elmo hasn’t carried anything except a beer can in years.

Why Chili is Basically the Best Idea for a Superbowl Party Meal Since Sliced Bread (actually you could serve that with it too. OK, this was a really good idea):

  1. It let’s someone else bring chips. Your guests are probably asking what they can contribute to your party and they probably can’t cook anyways (you learned this during the Great Dry Chicken Breast of ’98) so let them bring the chips and salsa. Just let them have this.
  2. It’s like the 4th of July in a pot. It’s colorful. Veggies and beans galore. And this recipe is all natural. It’s the equivalent to a streaker on the football field. Au natural and just how God intended. And it tastes super gourmet. Be that host that makes everyone totes jelly and be like goddamnit chili why didn’t I think of that now I’m ruined.
  3. It cooks BY ITSELF. Pure magic. It’s one of those chop and dump situations that you can do ahead of time (the good kind – not sure what other “chop and dump” you’re into but this is probably better.) No kitchen time required when you have a gaggle of drunk footballers congregating in your living room. And you should be one of them.

Now that we’ve established that chili is better than watching a cheerleader do Jumping Jacks in slow motion, let’s get to the important part: the secret recipe. Ready? It’s top secret. We’re only telling You and the Internet, so obviously this is really special.

1 Yellow Onion, chopped (Onion goggles look ridiculous, but those spheres of toxic death can be painful for your eyes. Just sayin.)

1 Green Bell Pepper (green is better because it’s green and looks healthier. Duh.)

2 Cloves Chopped Garlic (ZOMG GARLIC YUM. Everything is better with garlic.)

1 can of each of these things:

Tomato Sauce

Crushed Tomatoes

Diced Tomatoes

White Kidney Beans

Red Kidney Beans

Black Beans


You may have huge biceps after all this kick-butt can opening, and you will have one Super Bowl of chili. (Get it? Eh? Ouch.)

1 Tablespoon of each:

Cayenne Pepper

Onion Powder



Smoked Paprika

Garlic Powder



These other things can be added if one is inclined and would likely make it delicious:

Ground turkey or beef (Obviously not a vegetarian option unless there’s a soy cow running around somewhere.)

Chili Peppers (Not for the faint of heart, but good for the heart. Maybe bad for the underwear.)

More seasoning (More spicy? Garlicy? It’s up to you. This isn’t 1984.)

Put all into slow cooker and cook low and slow for 8 hours. Done. Celebrate.

Top with cheese, sour cream, green onion, the chips your friend brought (way to let them help – we’re proud of you) or anything else you might like but other people think is weird.

You know what? We think Katy Perry would really be into this chili. Actually we don’t know what she’s into. Probably kittens and rainbows? This could sort of be that too. The Rainbow Kitten of the Chili World. Enjoy, Katy. Enjoy.


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