10 Things That Happen When You’ve Been Sitting For Longer Than 1 Hour

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  1. Your brain gets foggy. Fact: movement stimulates creativity and gets those neurons firing to aid mental processing. If there’s no movement, there’s no mental processing. And then there’s only mindless cat-video-watching as opposed to mentally stimulating cat-video-watching.
  2. People think you never leave your desk. This gives them the green light to constantly stop by and bother you. Especially Gladys from Accounting who loves sharing her cat’s latest demonstration of super powers. No Gladys, the pee pattern in the kitty litter box doesn’t look like Jesus and your cat isn’t a prophet. 
  3. Your back’s disks will be starved of nutrients. This weakens the disks and locks them up. And you need them to work right for walking and stuff. Poor disks.
  4. Your pants get wrinkled. You end up looking like a tattered rag used by a homeless man and then abandoned on the sidewalk. And not in a good way. Rachel Zoe is feeling apathetic about you somewhere.
  5. Your butt flattens. It will start to feel like a pancake. It will be ready for syrup and the special’s board at iHop.
  6. Your muscles become perpetually cramped. This can tighten and damage your muscles over time. You’ll end up feeling like you constantly need a massage and then you’ll spend all your money at the spa and probably end up on the street with the homeless man’s rag.
  7. Health risks increase. Just, all the things. Cardiovascular disease and diabetes, just to name a couple. Sitting pretty much helps every disease screw you over. Asshole.
  8. You embrace stalker tendencies. Maybe you need a change of scenery so you stop checking if your ex posted a new Insta every 2 seconds. Just sayin’.
  9. Explorations abandoned. What passed you by while you were just sitting there?
  10. People miss out on your backside. And you have an absolutely breathtaking heiny.

So what do we do? Move, Fitbeasts! Go forth and end sitting’s evil reign over your backside. Because that thing is nice and someone might want to be friends with it.

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Why Stretching is the Greatest Feeling in the World

blog-thought-bubble-subheadlineStretching feels good. Darn good. That sweet release in your arms, legs or back is like a punch to the hypothalamus. An instant stress-reliever that tells your crappy day to flush itself down the toilet.

But it doesn’t get all the glory of the Prom Queen cardio workout. Or the artistic reverence reserved for the balanced diet. It’s The Brady Bunch’s Jan of the fitness world. It gets the “Go away, Jan. No one has time for you. Oh, Jan.”

peacesignThis middle child of exercise deserves a little recognition. After all, did you know that stretching burns calories? And it does so without too much sweating. You could do stretches on a first date and it’d be completely normal and ick-free (maybe). Also, stretching regulates breathing. Which, you know, is important, for, like, breathing and stuff.

Stretching is the perfect anecdote to your day-long impersonation of a stone edifice in an office chair. Every little move helps improve strength and flexibility.

So, who’s going to say it? Anyone? OK, we will. So, um, what do you stretch? What are the time-tested, only-things-that-are-certain-are-death-and-taxes types of stretches to do?

Well, we’d start with a few classic yoga moves like these. They’re pretty easy even for the most inflexible person, and the girl demonstrating them in this article doesn’t seem like some crazed gym rat that can simultaneously bend her legs over her head and snort protein powder up her nostrils. She seems like an okay gal. A happy pal who wants to buy you a dairy-free frozen yogurt. (Totally would go get that yogurt with her, by the way.) She’s got one of those faces that says her voice is soothing and her hair can be automatically swept up into the perfect messy bun. But you don’t even hate her for it because she just wants to help you stretch. Authentic.

You may learn to love stretching so much that you become one of those people with a sign on your door that says “Privacy, please. Stretching.” Stretching what, exactly, visitors won’t know, but you’ll be too deep into the good feels that it won’t matter. Or you’ll become one of those cheeky bumper sticker owners with a real gem that reads “Stretch This.” Classy.

Another perk of stretching? You can look at beautiful photos while you do it. Photos like these. Ones that happen to have a tiny Chester in them. Enjoy!

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Butt Smooshing Affects 1 in 3

OK, maybe that’s not an accurate statistic. Or a real physical ailment. But it is a reality for Chester. It’s like he’s trotting along, minding his own burrito business, contemplating if his likeness would make a good Beanie Babie, and then suddenly:  buttsmooshing

He can feel his butt smooshing. It smooshes, people.

Sometimes Chester will feel his derriere try to give him a pat on the back, and the sensation will immediately remind him of the ultimate floatation device, The Blob, as depicted in the greatest film of all time, Heavyweights.

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The Smooshing Affect, as it is scientifically known, (these are real facts, people – REAL), is reminiscent of a candy-packing adolescent flying majestically off of the massive blow up balloon and into a tranquil lake.

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No, he means The Blob. But anyways, don’t get Chester wrong, he’s

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But sometimes, the smooshing makes him wonder about the good feels. And we know Chester is all about the good feels. So today he will walk a little longer. Because a little less smooshing will go nicely with the hors d’oeuvres he’s planning to serve later.

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Fitbeast is Friend, Not Food

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Chester thinks of himself as your friend. Really, he does. Did you know that? He thinks you have something special. He’s here for you. Like an Amazon Prime package delivered two days later on the dot. He’s like clockwork, packaged with a piece of paper that says “Enjoy your gift! It’s Chester!” He arrives to you ready for duty.

Have you thought about how great it could be? Just you and Chester out in that great big world, ready to meet your fitness goals with gusto. He’ll keep you in check as you try to remember to work out, take a walk, or reject that piece of cake your coworker keeps thrusting at you. (Chester would help deliver that perfect one liner that says they should show some respect to those cutting back on sweets and DO THEY WANT TO BE HIT IN THE FACE WITH BUTTERCREAM BECAUSE THAT WILL HAPPEN SO MOVE ON KTHXBAI).

Chester’s fitness goals aren’t complicated. You won’t find him all beefed up in some gym oozing testosterone and dusted in protein power. (Most of the equipment isn’t built for four legs, anyway.) He just wants to be healthy and feel good.

He likes the good feels.

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So simple, right? But sometimes it seems like we forget that exercise gives you good feels. As if when some wise person were to inscribe, “exercise makes you feel good” on a fortune cookie, it would be this mind-blowing experience to read. And then stomach-blowing to eat. It defies comprehension. Almost as unfathomable as why Kourtney Kardashian continues to have babies with Scott Disick. It echoes the definition of insanity.

The answer? Take a walk (queue Passion Pit chorus). Are you a little down on the pudge collecting over your jeans? Not feeling like your hot Scar-Jo self? Get outside. Move around. It’s simple, really. Exercise – even the mild, over-the-counter, minimum-sweat “is-this-really-helping-me” kind of exercise – is, indeed, helping. Chester gets it, and he wants you to get it too. Put simply, it’s better than nothing. And one step up from nothing is something. So this is the year to do something.

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